It is a late Sunday evening, two weeks before Xmas. It hasn't really been a bad day. Yet it hasn't been a particularly happy day either. Xmas can be a difficult time of the year because it is supposed to be a time of happiness and for giving but it can be a time to remember personal loss.

It is a time when memories of family events come to mind... of children going to bed on Xmas Eve, being so excited with the sure knowledge that when they wake next morning Santa Claus will have visited and left wonderfully wrapped gifts. The happiness of being woken early to watch the frenzied opening of gifts... Ah, the wonderful memories!

Yet, Xmas hasn't been so happy for the last two years. The saddest thing of all was that my 18-year-old son refused to accept a single gift from his mother, nor has he given any thought towards giving a gift. There hasn't even been a birthday card sent. In fact, he hasn't spoken to her for over two years. All he would say when questioned was that he wished "that she was dead". After two and a half years since his mother left home I expected yet another Xmas of underlying heartache and sadness.

But, this Xmas I am confident there will be a change. My son will be exchanging gifts with his mother.

As a young man he has been incredibly disturbed by the loss of his mother at a vital stage in his life, at the transition between the end of his childhood and adulthood. In general, little has changed in his attitude towards her from what he is prepared to say, but there is now a glimmer of hope... of reconciliation.

His Grandmother seems to be partly responsible for this coming together. Sadly, only a few years away from her 100th birthday, she has found it impossible to continue looking after her house and keep herself properly fed. This has brought about a common interest. It has been his choice.

And all I had to say to him was " After all the doubt and pain that you have been through... you know now that you are more than strong enough to cope with any difficulty"

It has taken a long time for the situation to change from the icy frozen waste of a mother estranged from her now adult son... but there is a sense of thawing and a crack is visible that, hopefully, will grow. Friendship may develop between them and trust return between mother and son, given patience and time... A twinkling star in the blackness of night?

Fanciful, perhaps!

I know I couldn't wish for a better Xmas gift... "I have faith in my son"


By showing continued faith in your children and giving them the total support they need as they make their make their own family separation decisions, they will be rewarded by your continued commitment. And, you never know... with time your whole family will grow with strength and gain peace of mind... A new balance will return.

Chris Annable is the author of a new book titled: Doc Ingman's "Divorce And Separation Survival For Men", which tells of one man's remarkable story of how he took control of his life and helped his son survive the struggle of separation from his mother during divorce. Contact: Divorce-And-Separation

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